Maybe It’s Hormones. Probably It’s Patriarchy.

Women are being told they are burned out, touched out, overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and no longer interested in sex because their hormones are off.

And listen, sometimes hormones absolutely matter.

Bodies change.
Stress impacts the nervous system.
Pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, medications, and aging all impact desire.

But as a couples therapist who has spent over fifteen years sitting with couples behind closed doors, I need to say something that feels glaringly obvious once you see it:

It is very difficult to feel sexually connected to someone you are simultaneously over functioning for.

Women are carrying marriages on their backs while being told to buy lingerie, read a spicy book, take supplements, and “prioritize intimacy.”

Meanwhile, no one is asking why she has no space left inside herself.

No one is asking why her nervous system feels fried.
Why she feels emotionally alone.
Why she feels more like the household manager than an equal partner.
Why she cannot access playfulness, softness, rest, or desire because she has spent the entire day anticipating everyone else’s needs before her own.

We have normalized a relationship structure where women work full time outside the home while also carrying the majority of the invisible labor inside the home, and then we act confused when desire disappears.

That is not just a hormone problem.
That is a system problem.

Patriarchy trained women to over function while simultaneously training men not to notice much of the labor required to keep a relationship, family, and household emotionally alive.

Not because men are bad.
Not because women are naturally better at relationships.
But because patriarchy assigned women the role of emotional manager a long time ago, and most couples are still unconsciously following that script.

Someone has to remember the pediatrician appointment.
Someone has to notice the toilet paper is gone.
Someone has to coordinate the birthday gifts, school forms, emotional check ins, meal planning, calendar management, and relational maintenance.

And in many heterosexual relationships, that someone is still overwhelmingly women.

The problem is that over functioning and desire rarely coexist.

Resentment is not an aphrodisiac.
Exhaustion is not foreplay.
Being emotionally unseen does not create erotic connection.

Women are often trying to access desire from inside a nervous system that has not felt safe, supported, rested, or partnered in years.

Then we pathologize them for it.

We ask:
“Have you tried hormone therapy?”
“Have you tried scheduling sex?”
“Have you tried date nights?”

But maybe a better question is:
Does she actually feel partnered?

Because equity creates attraction.

Not perfection.
Not chore charts alone.
Not performative acts of help followed by praise seeking.

True partnership.

Partnership creates emotional safety.
Partnership reduces resentment.
Partnership creates room for rest, individuality, play, and connection.
Partnership allows women to stop mothering everyone in the house long enough to reconnect to themselves.

And contrary to what patriarchy taught us, women are not more attracted to men who dominate relationships.
Most women feel closer, safer, and more emotionally connected to men who can accept influence, participate emotionally, and carry the weight of life alongside them.

This is one of the reasons the Gottman research around accepting influence matters so much.

Women often do not need men to become perfect.
They need them to become collaborative.

To listen without defensiveness.
To care about her internal world.
To notice labor without needing a manager.
To stay emotionally present during conflict instead of shutting down, dismissing, or centering intentions over impact.

Because attraction is not built solely in the bedroom.
It is built in everyday moments of partnership.

And this is where both couples therapy and self help content often miss the mark.

I love therapy (duh).
I love mindfulness.
I love nervous system work, journaling, meditation, breathwork (like LOVE breathwork), hormone support, exercise (not really), and personal growth.

These tools matter.

But many women are drowning inside unequal relationships while being handed coping skills instead of systemic awareness.

We teach women how to regulate themselves inside systems that are actively exhausting them.

Take a bath.
Practice gratitude.
Communicate softer.
Schedule intimacy.
Lower expectations.
Do more self care.
Manage your nervous system better.

And while those things can absolutely help, they can also quietly reinforce the idea that the problem lives entirely inside the woman.

As if she is failing to cope correctly with an unfair amount of labor.

That is not healing.
That is adaptation.

Coping skills help people survive systems.
Awareness helps people disrupt them.

And if one person is carrying significantly more emotional, cognitive, domestic, and relational labor, communication tools alone will not solve the resentment.

You cannot mindfulness your way out of inequality.
You cannot date night your way out of chronic imbalance.
And you definitely cannot hormone supplement your way out of feeling emotionally abandoned inside your relationship.

Many women do not need another bubble bath.
They need an honest conversation about why they are carrying the emotional, cognitive, domestic, and relational weight of an entire family largely alone.

Because eventually the body speaks.

Sometimes through anxiety.
Sometimes through resentment.
Sometimes through emotional shutdown.
Sometimes through loss of desire.

Women are not broken because they are exhausted by inequity.

They are responding to it.

And this is the deeper conversation I believe we need to start having around women’s desire, exhaustion, and modern marriage.

Not just:
“How do we help women cope better?”

But:
“Why are women carrying this much to begin with?”

Maybe it is hormones.

But probably, at least in part, it is patriarchy.